A Damp Squib

It should have been an amazing weekend of sport. Final stages of the Aussie open tennis; Liverpool--ManU and QPR--Chelsea in the FA Cup, among many other football ties; latter part of an evenly balanced Pakistan--England Test in Abu Dhabi; David Gourlay on the brink of his second World Indoor Bowls title, after a gap of 16 years...(Ok, not the last one. I'm not that much of a sports fan.)

In a way, it was shaping up pretty well. Andy Murray may have gone down in five sets to Novak Djokovic, but it was definitely a case of the World #1 winning the game, rather than the World #4 losing it: Murray's performance was up there with Sampras in 1994, Ivanišević in 2001, and both Nadal and Federer in 2008. The camera spent quite a while lingering on the figure in the crowd who has given his name to this arena, but even the great Rod Laver at his peak would have had trouble keeping up with either Murray or Djokovic. Mainly, perhaps, it would have been a question of physical stature: with the 6'2" Serbian whipping forehands across the gigantic wingspan of the 6'3" Scot, it's debatable whether or not the 5'8" Australian would have been able to reach some of their shots.

Football, too, was living up to the hype. On Friday night, Tottenham were very nearly held by a spirited Watford, while Fulham and Everton played out a classic gritty English cup tie, with Everton coming from behind to scrape through. Saturday, meanwhile, was rather dominated by events on-and-yet-off the field, with London's racism derby kicking off 45 minutes before a similarly politicised clash in the Northwest. (Incidentally, I thought the FA's decision to cancel the QPR--Chelsea team handshakes -- no doubt because they suspected Anton Ferdinand would refuse to acknowledge John Terry -- while a sensible one from the point of view of not stoking the flames of fan/player conflict, was an unsatisfactory one. If I were Anton Ferdinand, having been [ALLEGEDLY] abused by an opposition player, I would want to have the chance to voice -- even if through the absence of a physical gesture -- my anger with said individual; it doesn't seem particularly fair to him to deny him that opportunity.)

It was left to the cricketers, then, to provide the only real dose of shock/embarrassment/shame/whatever of the weekend. Limited to 257 by an outstanding team display from Broad/Anderson/Swann, Pakistan were then frustrated by the resilience of the same Stuart Broad, who contributed a gutsy 58 to an England total of 70 more than Pakistan. It was then the chance of the second spinner to shine, as Monty got in on the act: 6-62, and the opposition were dismissed for a mere 214.

145 to knock off, then: easy.

Or not.

Mainly, I feel sorry for Stuart Broad and Monty Panesar. Broad had outstanding match figures (before the lost-cause last innings) of 44-13-83-5 and 58*; Monty's bowling numbers were 71.2-27-153-7; yet they end up on the wrong side of a frankly embarrassing defeat.

If you're Pakistani, I guess the sporting weekend's a pretty good one -- but I can't help dwelling on the fact that the England batting line-up appears to have had Kingston 2009 hallucinations: like 'Nam flashbacks, only marginally less serious.

Broad's Loss Is XXX's Gain

Members of the Fast Bowlers' Union have been the focus this week, as an injury to Stuart Broad has ended his first overseas Ashes.

Or rather, they were the focus, until they failed to take a wicket in the final 124.4 overs of the match billed as a shoot-out for the vacated Test place.

Matt Prior, instead, took the headlines, in a game that provided little in the way of cricketing interest; little, that is, apart from a surge, at 55-4 in the second innings, in the old feeling -- familiar to any fan of England cricket between 1987 and 2003 -- that England were about to come unstuck. High/lowlights included 3 wickets for Paul 'God' Collingwood, and combined figures of 7 overs for 88 from Strauss and Morgan, with the captain doing his best attempt to polish faecal matter by taking his 3rd first-class wicket (and thus leading to the pub quiz question 'what ignominious cricketing fate links Kevin Pietersen, Stephen Fleming, and Michael Hill?').

So, in the interests of--well, interest, here are 3 alternative -- not entirely serious -- options for the Andies to consider as they ponder filling the Ashes hole.

1. Give Morgan a Go: Colly has proved beyond reasonable doubt that he's a world-class bowler, capable of tearing thro--or, at the very least, conjuring devastat--listen, at least his recent first-class record is better than Mitchell Johnson's, ok? England don't need another bowler. 5-man attack? Pah. 4-man? So last year. Morgan in at 5, Colly the superstar all-rounder at 6, Bell, Prior, and 3 bowlers.

2. Why not Monty? Rub it in the Aussies' faces: trouble finding one spinner, eh? We've got so many, we don't know what to do with them. Granted, playing two spinners on the bouncing, swinging deck at the WACA may not be a great idea, but it could just be a stroke of genius. Besides, Finn and Anderson will have them 7 down before lunch on the first day, anyway.

3. Go Local: there must be an England-qualified medium-fast journeyman languishing somewhere in Australian grade cricket. (Does the name Darren Pattinson ring any bells?) No, we don't need to go looking, but it might make the Aussies feel a bit better about their selectorial machinations. (Isn't Schadenfreude great?)

Not that it really matters. After Stuart Broad's golden duck and MJ's 32-ball 0 at Brisbane, Ryan Harris's Adelaide pair, and 4 wickets in 7 innings between the three of them, England's new no. 8 doesn't have a lot to live up to.